Humor Column: A handy guide for new college students

To any students new to Laramie County Community College reading this article, I’d like to welcome you to the best darn community college in Cheyenne. Actually, I guess it’s the only one, but still.

This marks my fifth semester at LCCC and I’ve certainly learned a lot throughout my time here. As this school year began, I thought about all the information I know now that I wish I could have known when starting in 2015. So, I decided I’d assist new students with some helpful tips and strategies to stay successful, and hopefully, create a better overall college experience.

Prioritization

I’d imagine you’ve gained a good sense of prioritization during high school, but if this isn’t necessarily your strong suit, you’d best throw your other suits away and make this one a priority.

During college, we’ll have to make some of the most difficult decisions of our lives — should I start studying for that test or should I finish this Netflix series? Will my teacher be mad if I don’t show up? How fast can I finish off this box of mini doughnuts? These are essentially life-or-death situations we get put in.

Prioritization is definitely something to always keep in mind. The best way to look at what you should be putting at the top of your list is by simply looking at which actions result in the most consequence if ignored.

For example, let’s say I have a project worth 50 points due tomorrow. The class gives a total of 1,000 points. After some seriously detailed calculations, I learned that this project is worth only five percent of the total grade. Hey, as long as I do well on everything else, my grade will still be an A.

On the other hand, rather than finishing that project, I could go watch that new movie that just came out. Everyone is going to be talking about it tomorrow. If I don’t see it now, what am I going to say when people ask me what I thought about it? “I didn’t watch it?” No way, my social life will be in jeopardy. This is most definitely what I should be focusing on tonight.

Communication

You may expect me to sit here and tell you things like, “make sure you communicate with your teachers and your advisers” and “don’t be afraid to ask for help,” but that’d be where you’re wrong.

Communication truly is key. Try to get your contacts in order; people who can truly help you during your time in college. Here are a few examples of the people you should get a good relationship with:

Parents: In some cases, it can be hard to put your differences aside, and I understand that. But don’t worry, they’ll eventually get over that one time you ate the leftover turkey they saved for Grandma after she recovered from her big surgery. What, just me? Well, anyway, there will be those certain moments in college where you’ve got low morale. Parents can definitely help you feel better by saying things like, “get over it, loser.”

Still just me? OK.

Local market owners: Let’s face it, there will be points when you need to pull a fun all-nighter. In cases like this, you need to make sure you’ve got all the proper equipment. By that, I mean a LOT of energy drinks and coffee. If you create a good relationship with a local market owner, maybe they’ll be nice enough to hook you up with sweet deals. Perhaps something like a 10 percent discount on bulk orders of 200 or more cans of Monster Energy.

Dark spirits of the otherworld: Studying takes a lot of time and we all know it very well. Statistically, it takes less time on average to simply perform a dark-spirit-summoning ritual and have them do your homework for you.

It’s quite easy actually: Simply draw a circle in the dirt outside with a long stick, then light a candle and place it in the center. Next, write the following phrase on a small piece of paper: “Do my dang homework, demon bros.” Just throw the piece of paper on the candle and let it burn. It’s easy as that.

However, it truly is unfortunate just how easy it is to summon dark spirits, as there have been instances of people doing it on accident. Please do be careful though, they might end up sticking around. You’ll come home and find a dead goat on your kitchen table and spirits passed out on the couch. As we all know from experience, that’s not fun to come home to.

Focus

You can be an incredibly smart student, but if you lack focus, you’re going to struggle. However, before I continue on this topic; I just looked out my window and saw someone walking the cutest dog I’ve ever seen and I thought you should know. Is it a Golden Retriever? I think so. Oh my goodness, it’s playing in the puddle. That’s adorable. Wait, what was I talking about again?

Money management

This is a big one as a college student. I’m sure you’ve heard of this crazy myth about college students; that they’re poor and struggling and whatnot.

You may be very pleased to know that the myth is entirely accurate. If you don’t like Ramen now, you better start liking it soon, because as long as you’re in college, it will be your main source of nourishment.

I’m sure getting through college can be an overwhelming task, but in order to bring in a bit more money to help pay for everything, it might be worth considering applying for some part-time jobs. Financial aid can’t always pay for everything, unless you’re an exceptional student; but I wouldn’t know anything about that, personally.

Of course, make college payments one of your higher priorities, which is something you should now know how to do — you’re welcome. Perhaps start putting some money away in savings. Nothing long-term or anything though. Be sure to take everything you’ve saved out and blow it on killer parties every weekend. It will be a nice distraction from the misery you experience, considering your drastic poverty and all.

You know, over the course of writing this very article, I’ve begun to realize something — I’m probably not the best person to be taking advice from. Perhaps the one thing you can take away from this guide is to think for yourself and avoid following a complete stranger’s nonsensical, possibly entirely incorrect suggestions on how to be successful in college. Think critically, find what works best for you, and make your own mistakes as you do it, just like the rest of us.

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