I’ll start off by saying I have very little experience in working in management positions and even less experience in actually starting up a business. In fact, that’d be zero experience, but we won’t focus on that. But honestly, how hard can it be? You just do a little start-up investing, hire some people to do things for you and watch the profit flow into your bank account – easy as ABC.
I’m sure any Business majors reading this article will get upset about my last statement, but hear me out. They’re just upset they’re spending a bunch of money on what they’d call “legitimate education,” when they could have just read this simple guide to becoming a CEO. I guess you should have taken a gander at Wingspan before enrolling for Business classes; tough luck, buddy.
A is for Aspiration. This is the first step to becoming successful no matter the situation. Try as you may, but if you don’t truly want something in the first place, you’ll get set back. If you fail at anything, the first piece of advice I’ll give you is that “maybe you don’t want it enough.” For some reason, people get upset when I constantly suggest that though.
B is for Budget. Owning a business can be very cost-heavy, and you need to consider a wide-range of expenses. I’m not talking about things like the cost of the building your corporation will be housed in, but I’m talking about the real important stuff. Will there be one coffeemaker or two? Will the conference room have chairs that fully spin or only spin in a limited arc? Will the toilet paper in the bathrooms be one-ply or two-ply? These are all expenses you must budget for; it could cost you your entire corporation.
C is for Copy. It’s important to look up to other successful corporations that do a similar type of business. Be sure to copy them in every sense imaginable. It worked for them, so surely it must work for you.
D is for Diversification. If people will buy it, be sure to incorporate it in your business. If you have a little of everything, customers have no reason to go anywhere else. Just imagine for a moment a fast food place where the employees are also trained accountants, therapists, designers, etc. There’s a section of the store where you can get your haircut while your car is being taken in for repairs in the side-garage. There’s also a hot tub in the building, which definitely makes the business 20 times more awesome.
E is for Employment. Every business needs a workforce, but often times trained professionals request a high pay rate. A simple solution is to hire an entire workforce of dogs. Think about it; all they need for encouragement is a simple “who’s a good boy?” and a Milk-Bone. Do this, and they’ll happily file the rest of that paperwork in no time.
F is for Foreclosure. We all know you mortgaged your home in order to afford that business building and now you’re having problems keeping up with the payments. Worry not, you have your own office you can sleep in. Who needs a house anyway?
G is for Gratuity. It’s typical in many businesses to expect gratuity income in the form of tips, such as waiters/waitresses or cab drivers. Simply put an additional gratuity charge on any sale for easy increased profit.
H is for High-interest. If you’re the owner of a corporation, it’s implied you’re in it for the long haul. So you might as well find the bank with the highest interest rates. Don’t accept anything less than 100 percent annual percentage yield. The money in your account will be doubled every year without having to do anything. I find it amazing that nobody has thought of this yet. You’re welcome.
I is for Investment. The way I see it, as long as you’re following this guide, you will be successful. You might as well invest every penny you’ve got into this business during startup. Don’t have any money? Sell all your belongings. I assure you; follow this guide and you’ll get that money back in no time.
J is for Justifiable Spending. Employees complaining about the heater not working in the building? Go out and buy a box of doughnuts. You can justify this purchase because they’re delicious and some even have a custard filling. Your employees will likely be upset you didn’t get the heating fixed, but just give them a Milk-Bone or a tennis ball and they’ll calm down.
K is for Kickback. Kickback, a form or bribery, is a great way to acquire services. Need a quarter-million dollar loan from the bank? Is the banker giving you a hard time about your double-digit credit score? Slip them five bucks and see how quickly their mind changes.
L is for Lunch Break. The go-to excuse when you want to avoid a confrontation with an employee. Your assistant may say approach you with something like, “Boss? I was looking at the numbers and it looks like we’re in the negatives.” But be sure to cut them off by saying, “Can we talk about this later? I’m going to lunch.” It’s important to not return for the next four hours.
M is for Monopoly. Remember how we talked about having a little of everything incorporated into your business? Now consider having A LOT of everything in your business. Have so much opportunity for customers where you put every other corporation out of business. Congratulations, you now run the world.
N is for Nonrefundable. By default, make anything you sell nonrefundable and you will have no loss. People never read the fine print.
O is for Operation Names. In the event of a crisis, it’s vital to brainstorm plans of action. However, not just any plan of action; one with a cool name like Operation Hydra. It MUST be a cool name. I cannot stress this enough.
P is for Panic. Oh no, you’ve reached the point of your venture where you’ve realized you’re in way over your head and you have no experience. You’ve based you’re entire education upon a single guide written by a college student. Don’t panic. I said don’t panic; pull yourself together.
Q is for Qualified. You’re now considering stepping down from the position of CEO and are searching for someone more qualified. Don’t worry, the search will not take long. As long as they’ve even looked at the cover of a Business Intelligence for Dummies book, they’ll be more qualified than you.
R is for Robbery. Look, I’m not advising you to rob a bank or anything for easy profit. I’m just saying that it’s an option.
S is for Sacrifice. You’ve sacrificed so much for this business to work. Why on Earth did you actually sell your house? Were you that desperate?
T is for Trash. This is where you’ll find the majority of your meals after you lose your job. You’ve lost everything at this point and they’ll be coming for you after they find out about the bank robbery.
U is for Unknown. A way to describe your current location. The police are searching for you but they don’t know where you are. Hell, you don’t even know where you are at this point.
V is for Void. This is what your employees are realizing all of your pay checks were. How dare you.
W is for Whisky. Don’t tell me you’ve taken up drinking now. I know your life is essentially over at this point and you’re stressed out, but come on.
X is for Xanax. Drugs too? I’m ashamed. Have some decency.
Y is for Your Honor. The judge wants you to explain yourself now. Why did you cause all this mayhem?
Z is for Zoned Out. This happens to you quite often these days. There’s really not much to do in the prison cell you’re in.
And there you have it; a simple guide to entrepreneurship. I hope you’ve taken away a lot of valuable knowledge. Be wary, there’s a lot of competition out there. Now that this guide has been released to the public, expect a lot of new corporations starting up in the next couple of months. Good luck to you.