Introvert creates guide to help others make friends

This is an announcement I’d like to make to all of my fellow introverts out there. I’d like to start by declaring if any self-proclaimed extroverts are reading this article, I must ask you to refrain from continuing as this message is not meant for you. Why don’t you go hang out with your friends or something? Give this article to that one quiet person who sits in the back of one of your classes. Yeah, you know the one I’m talking about.

Right, now that all of those extroverted weirdos are gone, it’s just you and me.

It’s a new school year, and if you’re a bit of an introvert like me, that means another year of classroom introductions, group projects and overall discomfort. But worry not; after years of careful study, I have learned seven guaranteed ways to instantly become friends with everyone. Even your worst enemies will love you when you practice the following methods. The most famous celebrities will be asking for your autograph. Am I pushing this point enough yet?

  1. Nicknames: Nothing screams friendship like nicknames. If you publicly call someone by a nickname, everyone around you will think you have been friends for ages. One of the best ways to become friends with someone is by cutting to this part of your friendship right off the bat. If you’re not sure of a nickname you should call your target, I mean, friend, might I suggest one of the following options: Doofus, Tubster, Feller, Dorkston, Shaggy, Buttlet, or Barfy. I can tell you from experience, people love to be called these things.
  2. Share your accomplishments: Everyone loves to show off from time to time when doing something they’re good at. Maybe you’re good at playing piano, singing, hula-hooping, or eating a lot of M&M’s in a single sitting. Whatever the case, share this skill with all of your potential besties. They’ll become increasingly impressed with you the more you share these skills. They’ll like you so much they’ll almost seem as though they’re annoyed. I assure you, this response is only an invitation to show them more. Bonus points for if you can burp the alphabet.
  3. Be a supplier: Have you ever been in the situation where you start an exam or try to take notes, but you don’t have a pencil? If only someone near you were able to help you with that problem, you’d be awful appreciative, right? Well, this is an opportunity for you to be that helpful supplier. But, you know, pencils, paper and other school supplies are boring; everyone has that stuff. You can try being a supplier for things that are a little more rare in the classroom, like french toast, puppies or Asian Elephant tusks. Wait, maybe not that last one; they’re endangered.
  4. Get to know them better: I think you’ve gotten to a comfortable place with your new friend. Now it’s time to get to know them a little better. Don’t be afraid to ask them questions you may think are too personal. Remember, best friends know everything about each other. How much money do they make? Social security number? Favorite sexual position? What’s their secret to maintaining that garbage-like scent?
  5. Constructive criticism: Many people strive to do their best at whatever they’re doing. So it’s only helpful to inform your new friend if they aren’t quite putting in their best effort. For example, your friend may get a question wrong in class or not quite hit the right note when playing an instrument or singing. In cases like these, they could use some words of encouragement, like, “you suck,” or, “just give up, loser.” Consider it constructive criticism; they may be a bit upset in the moment, but they’ll learn to appreciate what you’ve done for them.
  6. Secret language: Only the best of friends can communicate with their own unique phrases and words, almost like creating a new language. Since you don’t quite have one created yet, you can start out with a little thing called pig latin. If you exclusively talk in pig latin to your to-be friends, they’ll quickly understand that this is code that you’d like to create a secret language. I can assure this tip works, as when I tried it, my friend immediately came up with their own phrase, “what the hell is wrong with you?” They didn’t tell me what it meant in English, but it’s safe to assume it translates to, “we’re best friends now.”
  7. Eye contact: It’s important that your friend knows you’re paying attention when they’re speaking, so maintaining eye contact is a good way to make sure they know that you are. By this logic, the more eye contact you make, the more you must be paying attention, right? Don’t break eye contact with your new friend under any circumstance. Stare intently into their eyes even if they ask why you’re looking at them like that. Is that an earthquake? We don’t have time to focus on that, keep looking at them as they cower beneath a desk.

As a bonus tip for those who’d like to be friends with a teacher, I’ve learned from experience that teachers love when you’re eager to participate in class and answer questions. So, anytime a teacher asks the class a question, this is the best time to attract all the attention. Quickly raise your arm as far as you can reach, bounce around in your seat and shout, “Ooh, ooh, I know,” until they either pick you or ignore you to choose another student who has their hand up in such a relaxed, boring fashion. If the latter occurs, it can be disheartening, but I assure you, teachers thrive on this energy and only wish it’d happen more often.

Congratulations, if you carefully followed this guide, you should now be the most popular person in school. Everyone loves you, and they only wish there were more time in the day so they could admire how awesome you are for longer periods of time. Always remember, if you ever get any negative responses to your actions, just know it’s because they’re jealous.

Pepper spray? Jealous. Restraining order? Jealous. Prison sentence? Pfft, the judge only wishes they were as cool as you. Don’t let these things bring you down.

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