It’s that time of year again; the sun isn’t shining because the weather is turning awful, the birds aren’t singing because it’s too cold now, and it’s time to cast your vote on a ballot where you recognize five percent of the names. That’s right, it’s election season.
First off, we’ve got plenty of information about the Laramie County Community College Board of Trustee candidates in this issue of Wingspan, so be sure to look into that so you can make an informed vote. I’m also definitely not just saying that to appease my editors.
Even though this year doesn’t mark a United States presidential election, I can’t help but see celebrity after celebrity say they’ve considered running for president in 2020. This list includes: Kevin Hart, Kanye West, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ron Perlman and Oprah Winfrey.
Admittedly, I don’t know much about politics or how political campaigns work, but it must be super easy considering a carrot with a toupee can be president, so I figured I’d throw my hat in the ring.
It’s safe to say that you’ll see “Jacob Hamel” in the primary elections for the 2020 presidential elections. I know you need to be age 35 or older to be president, I think the government will see my candidacy as an exception considering how qualified I am despite being only 21. In anticipation of that, let me provide you with my biggest arguments why you should vote for me.
- Police officer replacements: Police officers risk their lives every day to protect others, and I respect that immensely. However, I feel that this is an unnecessary risk. If I am elected, I will remove the police force from the country, to better protect those who risk their lives. I understand that this sounds like a bad idea, but bear with me. With no police force, we still need someone to protect the civilians of our country. Solution? Superheroes.
I know there are these ridiculous people out there who don’t believe superheroes are real. “They’re just fictional, Jacob, you idiot,” they might say. Worry not, my supernatural friends, I know you’re out there somewhere. This is a call to action to you heroes hiding your true power; put on the mask and protect our streets. Show the world what you’re capable of, even if it’s something stupid like communicating with squirrels, creating shockwaves by breakdancing or tearing off your arms to use as blunt weapons.
(Seriously, these were actual superheroes; look it up.)
- Dogs holding office: Have you heard about this? It’s an actual thing. There are towns across the United States that have dogs as mayor. A pitbull named “Brynneth Pawltro” is the mayor of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky; a Great Pyrenees named “Duke” is the mayor of Cormorant, Minnesota; and a Gold Retriever named “Maximus Mighty Dog Mueller II” is mayor of Idyllwild, California.
After finding out about this, I have to say I’m in full support of this idea. Each of the towns I mentioned have had dogs as mayor for many years. They seem to be doing just fine; what does that tell you? I make a motion to immediately fire any human mayors, governors and even senators and replace them with dog counterparts.
To all of you crazy cat people out there, I want to hear you out, but I just think these positions are better suited for dogs, I’m sorry. Listen, if a cat gets enough votes, I’ll consider giving it a position as police officer. Sorry, Batman, you’re being replaced by a cute Calico kitten. Good luck out there, Mittens. Do your city proud.
Eradication of a “certain race”: Yeah, you heard me. Quite frankly, I think the world would be better off without them. Listen, I don’t mean to get controversial, but I just don’t see the appeal of NASCAR. These races can be entertaining for a little while, sure; but in the end, it’s just a bunch of moving advertisements racing in an oval for 200 laps. You must admit, it can get a bit repetitive.
On a serious note, I’m truly looking forward to all the complaints that get sent in to me by people who didn’t finish reading that paragraph.
Affordable Education Act: Let’s face it, education can be pretty expensive. If you’re raising children and are concerned about the affordability of education, I assure you to worry no longer. I’ve come up with a plan to make sure you can get your children through elementary school, high school, as well as a college or university, all without spending a dime. I’m working on hiring a highly-experienced team of wizards and mages to conduct a spell that will convert all of the children in the United States to puppies.
I truly can only see positives with this plan. No more worrying about your child getting bullied, no more packing lunch boxes, no more driving your child to school and back every day. Heck, while we’re at it, no more dirty diapers, no more backtalk and as an added bonus, there are more puppies in the world. If you can find any complaints with this notion, please file it to my son, Sparky. He’s a German Shepard and is happy to hear about your concerns and relay them to me in the form of a game of fetch.
I’d like to thank you in advance for showing your support by voting for me in 2020. Together we can create a superhero-defended, dog-filled, NASCAR-less America. True bliss, indeed.