We’re all getting older and at that age where our parents are like, “when are you going to get off your computer and bed and get out there and start dating?” Sometimes desperation may set in and you feel like you need a boo for “cuffing season.” Other times it can be just fun, or the lack of friends to hang with.
Over the years I’ve found it odd that my friends who are in relationships always ask me, the single one, for relationship advice. So to help all of you, let me be the loser that gives all you singles and people in relationships the best advice so you don’t have to feel down on yourself anymore.
Now if you’re single, pay real good attention because I’m about to give you the best advice for sparking a conversation. The first step is approach someone with confidence and the best pick up line. Everyone loves a good pickup line. As you approach them trip on something and do a dramatic face plant. Get up, brush yourself off… see they’ve already got eyes on you, you’ve got their attention… when you reach them look them dead in the eye and say, “I was just showing you what your standards did, hi I’m [say name here].” NAILED IT.
Now that they’re hooked start with short talks, and intriguing questions. A good example would be, “do you like the fruits? My favorite is a date. So how about 7?” HA GOT ‘EM. They must be obligated to go because who can say no to that? If that didn’t work, there’s no hope for you I apologize, go back to your room and cry.
For those who were successful, when you get their number be sure to read it back incorrectly, because if they say that’s it, then it’s not really their number and you just caught them in a lie and they’re officially on the untrustworthy list and you don’t need that negativity in your life. Make sure to expose them as loud as you can to let other desperate people that they can’t be trusted.
For those of you who did make it, the first date is important. Be sure to look and act your best, which is be yourself. No one likes a fake person, my favorite way to dress is a T-shirt and ripped jeans. Go to a cheap restaurant and show your wealth. Nothing looks sexier than a person with money. So going to the cheapest place, ordering tons of food and end up paying less for more food will make you look richer than you actually are. An illusion that is guaranteed to work.
While eating don’t use a napkin, we all know you use your jeans, that’s why they were invented. Make it an ASMR kind of date. Lick your finger dramatically, eat slow and loud, sip your drink dramatically, talk with your mouth full. No one can say no to a good spine tingle from those noises. They may look disgusted, but they’re just mad that you’re such a professional at dating. It’s the jealousy look.
Ask the hard-hitting questions like, “when we move in together where would you like to live?” Already thinking about the future tells them you’re serious and ready to jump to home base already. Commitment is key, ladies and gentlemen.
Talk about things that interest you, like that photo book you made of that cool blobfish and how when you die you want to be resurrected as a blobfish. It’s a weird flex, but chief says that’s it. Brag about yourself, an example I would give is “I can go years without leaving my bed.”
Before you leave don’t kiss, don’t hug, no hand holding, in fact don’t touch each other at all. PDA is gross and no one wants to see that. A simple “see ya later alligator” works. If the first date goes as planned based on my great intellect in this story, more dates will be set in the future. You no longer need advice from me because you’re already a professional. You’re welcome.
If you’re in a relationship asking, “oh my gosh when is he going to get to the part where he helps us in relationships?” why are you asking me, I’m not in a relationship.
If you require more advice I’m willing to do it for a small loan of a million dollars. Thank you, next.