As the college closes out on the spring semester, some of you might be heading to other colleges or universities, and some are looking to apply for jobs or internships, like what I’m doing.
Since some of us are planning on getting jobs after graduation, I’ve decided to make a “helpful” guide on how to apply for a job.
First step is to decide what you’d like to do. Chances are, you’re like me and just going to wing it. If you already know what you want to do, congratulations. Do you want a ribbon?
For those of us who haven’t got a clue what to do, just go online and search. What’s really fun is typing ‘jobs for lost college students’ into the Google search bar then click ‘I’m feeling lucky.’
Most jobs you’ll find on different websites have you make a profile. Make sure your profile has no information. Nothing screams “mysterious applicant” like nothing. Just imagine you’re up against people who have submitted a lot of things, such as résumés, cover letters, etc., while you have submitted nothing.
Let’s be real. No one wants to read all of that, so you submitting nothing comes off as wonderful. Nothing to read. You’re hired.
If that doesn’t work and they make you write a résumé and cover letter, then I’ll give you some very helpful tips. To write a résumé is pretty simple and easy. Make sure you bend the truth a little at all times.
A great example: Your name? Christian Grey. Address? 1702 IAmAlpha St. Phone? (Area code) 867-5309. Email? firstname.lastname@example.org.
They may have this disclaimer that says “I agree that everything listed is true, and that if I lie I might be liable…” blah blah blah, etc., that’s just to make you put in your information so they can stalk you on social media. You don’t want that. You’re supposed to be the stalker. You want to make them work and put in that effort to talk to you. Make yourself the boss. Assert dominance.
Now for the cover letter. Brag about how great you are, make them want you. Brag about your accomplishments, why you would be the best person for their company. A good sentence to use is, “you think your boss is great, I’m 10 times better than them.” Say why the company will burn down without you.
Before the interview buy a pack of gum and put every piece in your mouth, you’re going to want to chew this during the interview. No one wants to talk to someone with bad breath. When you enter the room, spit in your hand and shake their hand. During the interview process, be sure to wear ripped jeans and a wrinkly shirt. No underwear. Sandals are great; very aesthetically pleasing.
At this point you should be hired no problem. If you don’t, remember that big piece of gum? It fits perfectly on their nose. Leave the room while saying, “you’re going to regret it.” I’m sure the company will fail after that.
You’re welcome for the helpful advice.